I tried to make a post yesterday by uploading my favorite album that doesn’t exist on the internet to youtube but my technology skills failed me and then I gave up because I got very, very tired very, very quickly from not getting quite enough sleep and being extremely active for 3 days in a row and I told myself it was OK to skip a day. Still want to upload that album as a public service but I’ll worry about that some other day.
ANYWAY.
6/16/09 marks the day I got sober. It honestly doesn’t feel possible that I’ve been sober for 14 years (or that 2009 was 14 years ago). It feels like a considerable amount of time, but maybe like 7 years instead of 14. Time really does start feeling warped once you reach like… 36 or something. And covid did not help. “Peak covid” feels like either 2 years ago or 5 years ago but definitely not like 3 years ago.
DISCLAIMER: I want to talk about life in sobriety which feels impossible without mentioning my membership in a “12-step group.” “12-step group” feels unnecessarily obscured because there are basically only 2 12-step groups it could be. I take the traditions seriously so even though it feels silly, I will refer to it as a “12-step group.” Please note that anything I say about the 12-step group is only reflective of my experience, and not the group as a whole. My sobriety and behavior are representative of me and only me, and have nothing to do with the 12-step group as a whole. I do not represent the 12-step group; I only represent myself.
ANYWAY
At some point in my sobriety, I became comfortable with the idea that I would never have a drink or drug again. At some point in my sobriety, I became relieved that I would never have to have a drink or drug again. At some point in my sobriety, I became grateful that I was an addict in the first place. Recovery, and my membership in the 12-step group, feel like a gift to me.
I love the intensity of my personality that I attribute to my addiction. I love that my ability to reach the depths of emotion and behavior enables me to reach such heights. I love that my experiences allow me to be more open, vulnerable, honest, open-minded, and forgiving to other people and their struggles. I love being able to tell my students in recovery, “I’m in recovery too.” I love that the 12-step group led me to a relationship with God that is not dependent on religion. I love that the 12-step group allows me to have a community based on unconditional love and support, even to people I don’t really know that well. I love that the 12-step group allowed me to continuously change; most people aren’t afforded that gift. I love that the 12-step group allowed me to love, or at least accept, the parts I used to hate about myself. I love that the 12-step group has given me a guide on how to deal with the most difficult aspects of life. I love that the 12-step group has given me a life. I am not dead. I am alive.
One of the craziest/most enjoyable parts of sobriety is watching myself return to the version of myself that I was as a child— someone who is sweet, nerdy, has many intense interests, cares about being a good daughter and friend (and now wife and stepmother and daughter-in-law and teacher and writer), and is a little overly analytical and overly self-conscious but these traits allow her to be this sweet, nerdy person.
When I was in therapy to specifically deal with the guilt that I felt for how I behaved in high school (e.g. addiction, suicide attempts, being a terrible daughter), the therapist told me to view myself as a little girl who wasn’t me. That’s obviously a cliche of therapy, but it actually was very helpful, and so was writing Juliet the Maniac, a fictional book based in fact about a character who was like me but wasn’t me. This idea of separate selves who are all a part of the same self has helped me to “not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” That girl and young woman were sick and suffering, and all of her sickness and suffering allowed me to become who I am today, and I am so grateful for her because this current version of myself is so happy and fulfilling.
One of the best, most useful things the 12-step group has taught me is the importance of being “of service”— this idea that I am a part of a community, and that my membership in this community is dependent on how often and how thoughtfully I consider others, and how my words and actions impact them. This idea that only by being of service will I be able to stay sober and therefore stay sane and alive. Whenever I can’t quite figure out how to act in my daily life, I try to remind myself that my goal is to be of service to others.
Of course I fail. It is inevitable that sometimes I will act like a dick. But being of service is the thing to strive for.
The decision to try and get sober was the most important and best decision of my life. I cannot imagine having any of the things I have today without being sober. It gave me my marriage, my writing, my job, my friendships, my health, and my family.
Here’s a pic of a flower I grew because I like it better when my posts have photos.
This post hits
congrats on fourteen years!!! <3