lifelog 6/6/24

woke at 10:40-something due to bad dream. I was walking with Jelly and then she got lost and I couldn’t remember what she looked like and then I saw a giant burning ball of gas in the sky, like it was the apocalypse or at least a nearby man-made disaster

something is wrong with me, i can’t stop leaking tears out of my eyes. it was happening last night too but i thought it was just the book i was reading, which is Log Off by

Kristen Felicetti

.

Usually when there is something emotionally wrong with me, it is due to hormones and I take some Prozac and it gets better but I don’t think it is my hormones. It is either the fact that it is book publication time or that I’ve been spending too much time working in the dark basement. Or both.

I want to lifelog because it’s been a while, and maybe I’ll feel less eye-leaky, and I also really enjoyed

Megan Boyle

’s freedom log yesterday.

Freedom Log

Sounds similar to Dr. Jacoby’s golden shovel.

WHen I woke, I stared at my phone for a bit and then got up and my eyes leaked and then I texted with Ashleigh. We have been conversing about David Koresh a lot— we co-read a book about him— and she is also asking me questions about my writing because she is graciously writing a thing about my writing.

To-do today:

• Withdraw $50 cash for Iris’s bday

• Get her a card

• Maybe buy some wrapping paper, have to check gift wrap supplies

• Send several emails

• Talk to Megan at 3pm

• Exercise

• Maybe do some laundry

• Either work on book or video or both, which I should probably do at the kitchen table and not my desk in case the dark basement is making my eyes leak tears

I want to talk about Kristen’s book because I love it and because it came out yesterday.

It combines two of my favorite subject matter, Livejournal and being a teen.

It kind of reminds me of Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is a book I hold dear to my heart.

Except this book feels more “literary,” in that the dramatic and sad things in it are more subtle.

It did something really cool, which is slowly build and build into this thing that is so tender and sad and oh god, we are all just lonely, and adolescence is just so lonely, and communicating is so impossible, and loving other people is so rewarding but so hard, and life is so rewarding and so hard, and her book has so much heart in it.

I think that’s a difference between a lot of small press books and a lot of big press books.

Small press books often have a real person inside them while a lot of big press books are shiny products.

Have a lot of admiration for Kristen and also “feel proud of her,” as a person I have known for 10+ years from afar.

Eyes leaking again.

12:49: emails took a while, I was 3 days behind. I shall now finish getting dressed and then do my “outside the home” tasks. Besides the above mentioned, I am going to drive by a house we are potentially interested in looking at with the realtor.

This is the house. It is 15k over our budget but the realtor said maybe they’ll bring it down.

Eyes stopped leaking but I still have the sads.

1:20ish: ERRAND TIME

The house was on a nice street, but the next street over has a lot of abandoned-looking houses, which means drug activity, which is the type of thing I want to get away from.

That is one of my top requirements in a house: fewer dead bodies dumped behind it.

In the past 1.5 years, we have had 2 dumped bodies and 1 multiple-person shooting.

I listened to Elliott Smith as I drove, partially because there was a great Elliott Smith-listening scene in Kristen’s book and partially because I decided to lean into the sad.

I have fond memories of leaning into the sad when I first moved back to San Diego in 2012, driving around and listening to Lana’s first album and being sad.

Sometimes sad is nice.

Then I decided I didn’t want to be sad anymore so I listened to hyper songs and felt Emotional instead of Sad. Enjoyed talking to the man at the bank. Also enjoyed making an illegal maneuver to get to the store. The only crimes I commit anymore are traffic violations and I enjoy committing them and I am afraid that by confessing this fact into my lifelog, it will cause me to get a ticket or get into an accident. I WILL QUIT COMMITTING TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS OKAY I PROMISE

2:13pm: Came back home.

What is it called when you possess emotional regulation skills but the emotions you’re trying to regulate still cause you to have 3000 moods in one day

Scott told me to close the door I had opened because it’s going to be hot today and it made me MAD >:( because I had opened it to get sunlight so I could stop being Sad but then I explained my sads and my eye leaks and he said it was fine and now I am eating yogurt. Going to text Megan and then work on book at the kitchen table until time to talk!!!

oh no now my emails have required me to write 4 more emails

2:52… not much new book work time but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Book publication sure does eat into new book time but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yolo

3:03pm: chatted with the meggie. We talked for ~ 2hrs and discussed the following (an incomplete list): my sads and the irrational thoughts I’ve been having; how frustrating it is to know you are having irrational thoughts, and also to know why the irrational thoughts are there, and also to know ways to counter the irrational thoughts, yet the irrational thoughts are still there, being very irrational and loud; how discussing irrational thoughts with another person gives the irrational thoughts less power; what Megan wants to do with liveblog; what Megan wants to do with her professional life/identity; being a perfectionist crazy person in school and trying to counter the perfectionist crazy person tendencies; literary gossip; my desire for an internet strike and what the internet strike would entail; possible travel plans to see each other; television shows; houses; how Beckley and Baltimore are similar, etc.

5:33: Scott and I have eaten the dinner, which was leftover Kung Pao tofu… we usually eat the same thing 2 nights in a row because leftovers are nice, no cooking and less cleaning. Kung Pao tofu is delicious and nutritious.

I want to be wild and break the rules I make for myself for maximum happiness but maybe following my self-created rules will actually result in maximum happiness.

Normally the smart thing to do in these situations is a compromise.

3 more emails to complete now… but i’ll attend to them tomorrow…

MAYBE I SHOULD WATCH VIDEOS OF THE KINKS PLAYING WATERLOO SUNSET

HAVE BEEN ODDLY OBSESSED WITH THIS SONG FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS

chilly chilly is the evening time

Scott said that the other day when I was talking about Waterloo Sunset and it made me lol

This is my favorite of the Waterloo Sunset videos I can find on YouTube but generally I am disappointed in the selection of Waterloo Sunset performance footage

Bring it back to mister smith… this one is so beautiful

just want to inject myself into that song. or maybe the reverse.

6:05pm: gonna head downstairs and listen to waterloo sunset and then exercise

I listened to waterloo sunset while laying/lying on the floor and jelly came bounding down the stairs and she looked so happy and so sweet and I pet her a lot and felt a lot of gratitude for my life, the opposite of sad

And then I went on the elliptical and listened to my old playlist from years ago when I went to the Y, as opposed to watching tv like I do now (it’s pretty good for a gym playlist) and I continued to feel gratitude but it was a weird, heavy kind of gratitude

And then I was like wait I know this feeling

This isn’t sadness! This is grief!

It’s not about my book or spending too much time working in a dark basement!

It’s about my dead friend!

My friend N overdosed a few weeks ago and it feels disrespectful to talk about him in detail here because he was a private person. But yeah he has been in my life since I was a teenager and he was the partner of my very close friend M

The gratitude is the weird byproduct of sobriety + the awareness that I’ve been given not a second but like a 7th chance at life and wow this 7th lifetime is fucking amazing + anger at how the world failed my friend + anger at why did my friend do such a dumb thing + why couldn’t they get the 7th chance too + anger at how could he do this to his sisters and partner + sadness + why did he have to die that way + shit I’m glad I’m not dead + oh god a wonderful person is gone from this world

So I listened to the pop music and ellipticalled really fast and thought about N and M and my eyes leaked and leaked

Wow! I identified the wrong feeling! And now I’ve found the correct one! Duh!!!

And you know what?!

I HATE FENTANYL

Listening to Robyn now and eye leaking and typing

It’s not crying, it really is just a constant slow leak

Oh my heart hurts!

Life is so short and so long

7:05pm: Talked to Scott and did some actual crying and a bit of sobbing on his chest while wearing sweaty clothes. Took a shower.

7:30: putting away laundry and listening to more music

My gym playlist played me “I’m alive” by ELO which seems insensitive of it.

But like it’s true

I’m alive

It’s tv time with Scott! 8:08pm

We watched:

• The rest of a soccer show that Scott was watching, which he had told me about and seemed interesting

• The final two episodes of twin peaks: the return. (We’ve now rewatched the entire series + movie)

• Music video

I thought I was going to finish my miniature kit tonight but I won’t.

Early bedtime because Scott has to get the kids in the a.m. and I will wake and go to 12 step

Night night life log